Heart Ache
by Hop Scotch And Bananas
Summary: Barry has come back from flashpoint to see that he has messed up everything. Just how much can he handle?
1. Pain From Friends

**I do not own The Flash**

**I'm expecting this to be a rather longer one. Lately I've been writing, and mostly not posting Supernatural stories, but this time it will be about The Flash. I have had this idea for quite awhile, and I decided to write it now. For the time it takes place, I won't know all the facts, especially medical stuff. I've watched my fair share of Greys Anatomy, but that can only get you so far. So just know I'm not gonna look into how medical things work or what not.**

**_This will take place when Barry came back from flashpoint, and just now got done telling them all about it. I even rewatched this episode not too long ago, so hopefully I can get something right.(Just saying he was really stupid) But I've always thought he took it all rather well, so this will include panic episodes and medical drama._**

Barry stood in front of the explanation of flashpoint staring at his friends and family.

He couldn't grasp what they were thinking. But the looks on their faces told him something. There was shock, despair, anger, sadness, and even sympathy. He hurt them to an extent that he never knew he could. He changed their lives and it's all his fault.

He was being selfish, and he wanted things to be perfect for him. He felt so stupid, like he deserved to die or get lost. His breaths quickened as Cisco started to open his mouth.

" So you're telling me, that you decided to change the timeline for your family, but when it's mine that's broken, you decide to turn your head and forget about it? I though we were friends Barry. Friends don't change each others lives for their own good, or kill the others brother. Right there, that's where you screwed up," Cisco said pointing at him, then walking out briskly. Barry put his head down in shame.

" I can't believe you Barry. I understand that you were upset, but this." Iris paused," This is something different,"

She too left and soon the others followed. They all left with disappointment present on their faces.

Even once they left, he stood there with the white marker in hand. He could feel the emotions building up on his conscience.

_They hate me! They want me gone for what I did, and I deserve it! I killed Cisco's brother, I erased a daughter from Diggle's life, I split Joe and Iris apart, I have a lab partner that hates me! Who can hate me? IM LIKE FREAKING PUDDING! I'm supprised they didnt try and kill me right here right now!_

_ I did this, I can't change it! What to do what to do what to do what to do! I'm going to have to pay, I can't live like this! I can't live knowing I hurt everyone! I'm so selfish wanting to ruin my friend's lives just for my parent's! They hate me, Cisco hates me, Cait hates me, Joe hates me, Iris hates me, everyone fucking hates me!_

_I hate me._

With this new rise in panic, Barry starts pacing. He starts at a median speed, and slowly increases until tears started to make their way down his face. He started to sob, and he finally broke down. He fell to the floor and backed himself up to the glass wall behind him. He felt like the walls were screaming at him for his failure and they are slowly coming in on him. He gripped his gloved hands onto his knees and squeezed. He need a ground, something to hang onto. He had no one, no one no one no one no one. More and more panic joined in until he started to gasp for air. He gripped at the suit covering his heart and lungs. He heaved and struggled to take a breath. It's like a fat six year old was just sitting on his throat. He could only get enough air to make him crave more. He _needed _more, but it wouldn't come. He started to panic more from the lack of breath.

_Im gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die!_

_Good._

He hated what he had done, and maybe this was the univers' way of getting payback. Maybe the speed force would come take him away. Anything would be better than being looked at by your friends like you were a disgrace and a disappointment.

His vision started to turn black, but something caught his watery eyes. Someone was at his side shaking him.

" Barry, Barry you need to breath. Hey listen to me, you need to calm down, you're going to pass out," the person said. It sounding like he was underwater and they were on the surface. He was drowning, and tried to reach up, but no one would take his hand. He needed someone to take his hand.

Without even realizing it, he had reached his hand out, and it had been filled with another. He finally got a bigger breath in, and could see who it was.

Cait was sitting by his side with her brow creased and her doctor face on.

" Barry can you hear me?" She asked.

He could, but he couldn't respond, no breath could make it's way through his tightening throat.

" C-c-ca-an-tt B-br-ee-at-t-th," Barry gasped grabbing his chest. Inside of the intense burning there was something else happening. His heart started to pound and almost make his chest flutter. He grunted at the new pain and started to gasp harder.

" Barry, you have to calm down, you are going to damage you heart and lungs. Please calm down," She pleaded. He tried, but more and more weight of loss pounded on him. He lost his mother because he wasn't fast enough, he lost his father because he wasn't fast enough, and now he was worrying Cait because he couldn't even breath fast enough to catch his breath.

Full doctor mode had set in, and Caitlin ran and got an oxygen mask. She turned it on and nearly shoved it onto Barry's face.

He engulfed the oxygen like is was honey to a bee. He held onto it like it was his life line, like it was the only thing he has ever needed. As he slightly slowed down his breaths, he slouched in on himself.

" That's it Barry, breath." Cait soothed while putting a hand on his shoulder.

She figured the worst of it was over, but was proven wrong when Barry gripped at his chest.

" Barry, what's wrong," She asked concerned.

" M-y ch-chest, h-hur-rts," Barry sobbed. He sounded like a five year old. He seemed so helpless, and almost Innocent. He knew full well he wasn't.

" Lets get you onto the bed," She said while helping the wobbly man. His knees threatened to buckle out from under him.

She helped him to lay in the bed, and started to connect the heart monitor onto his chest. He was so tired, he could barely tell what she was doing. He was utterly exhausted, and sleep was right around the corner. His eyes started to flutter, but before he fell away, he could see Caitlin frowning at the monitor, and listening to his heart with a stethoscope.

**TBC...**

**Hope that was a good chapter. I'm gonna keep them relatively short, so when I do write, I won't forget what that chapter was even about. Because of school, I might not have a lot of time, but I can always stay up late. Like who has to really be awake for school anyway. Also I hate to edit, so sorry for any mistakes.**


	2. Secrets

**I wasn't expecting this many people to like my story right off even though there's not too many of you. Usually I get 2 or 3 people to like it and that can take weeks, so THANK YOU!!! I usually don't take so long to update either but I've been pretty busy. Again I hate to edit so sorry for mistakes. PS: Reviews are VERY appreciated!**

Waking up to the sound of beeping was confusing to Barry. He couldn't remember why he was in a soft bed, or why his arms felt like they were 40lbs. each.

His eyes felt as though they were glued shut. It took of few minutes of prying to get them open, only to see lights shining in his eyes.

He groaned and tried to look away.

" Barry, stop fighting me." Cait said getting irritated trying to hold her pen light.

He wasn't really cooperative right now, and that didn't help her do her job. She too has some problems with Barry. He changed all of her friend's lives, and maybe hers too. It's not like she'd know the difference either.

" Sit still," She directed.

Barry stopped trying to get away and let her shine the brutally, bright light into his fresh from sleep eyes.

When she stopped, he couldn't help rub them. That was not the best thing to wake up to. The more he came to, the more he saw.

There were heart monitors on his chest, he had an IV in his arm, he could feel a nasal canal in his nose, and couldn't help but see no one else was here. They didn't care if he was hurt?

" W-What hap-ppened?" Barry rasped out. While getting some water from off the stand, Caitlin explained everything.

" I think you had a severe panic attack. You were breathing erratically, and mixed with that and all the stress that has been putting you down, it has damaged your heart. Now because you are a speedster, it can be fixed. The only way for it to be resolved is to take it easy and no running. I'm gonna repeat that one. No. Running. The strain that would go on your heart could leave you with a failing heart. That way you could die."

Barry looked down in shame. He wanted die, he couldn't stand to be around all these people like a kicked puppy and just deal with it. This wasn't like him, he wasn't always weak and stupid.

" Barry, no matter what you did, we still all love you even if we don't show it," Cait smiled softly.

Tears we're building up in Barry's eyes, threatening to fall. They didn't love him. If they did, they wouldn't have left him, or they would be here for him. They would tell him they still loved him.

" Then why aren't they here?" He sobbed softly.

Caitin rubbed his arm to try and comfort the tense man.

" I didn't tell them Barry, in case you wanted to keep it confidential," She replied. She sounded so professional, and not like a friend.

" Oh. Please. I don't want them to know," Barry said wiping his nose. He didn't want them to start looking at him like he was broken too. He just needed to keep some dingnity to himself.

" Okay, but you'll still have to rest at home. You shouldn't be working or doing anything like that. It's too much stress to put on your body," Cait said gesturing with her hands.

" So I can go home?" Barry asked sitting up.

" I'd rather you not, but everyone is frequently coming and going so if you really want to hide it, you'll have to rest at home. But I don't think hiding it _is _the best way Barry. We all love you, and I think they'd want to know." Cait smiled sadly.

He thought about it for a minute. Barry can't show more weakness, he can't, he can't, he can't.

He started to get more anxious. He's not good at making these decisions, what if he can't, and if he can't then what's gonna happen, they're gonna think he's stupid, or maybe a piece of trash and they'll leave him forever, this can't be happening, no,no,no,no,no.

Cait looked up at the rising heart rate.

" Barry, calm down, it's okay. You can go home. You're gonna put stress on your heart, you have to stay calm," she directed.

" Ok, help me up?" Barry asked reaching his arm out.

Cait hesitantly took his hand and helped him stand up.

" I'll have to drive you home since you can't run," She said grabbing her keys, leaving no room for discussion.

Later that night Barry layed in his bed and stared at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep.

His chest was thumping to a weird beat. There was no luv-lump. It was almost fluttering. It made his whole chest ache, and therefore he couldn't fall asleep. This was aweful. His life feels so aweful because of everything that has been happening. It's all too much, he has never been this bad at dealing with things. He is usually strong and he can handle anything, he's The Flash. But he just cant, he is becoming weak.

For the next week, he has sat at home and he waited, and waited, and waited, aaaannnd waited some more. For a speedster days are like weeks, hours are like days, and minutes are like hours. Time moves to slowly. He has just sat there for a whole week. He can't go anywhere or do anything, and it really sucks. He has caught up on just about everyone of his shows, he picked up the place a bit, he shaved several times, he has eaten almost all the food in his apartment.

He usually doesn't have much food because he eats out or whatever. But recently with the whole flashpoint and heart thing, he hasn't had much of an appetite. He knows that he isn't eating enough for a speedster, but he's not using his speed.

It's okay, right?

Tomorrow he decided to go back to work. He's not supposed to by Caitlin's orders, but if he stays at home any longer he's going to explode. Since he lives so close to the CCPD he can just walk. He has been walking around his apartment all week anyway. Then he can just take the elevator at work so he doesn't have to climb the stairs. It'll be fine.

He set his alarm for 8:30, and he has to be at work at 10. This way if he sleeps through his alarm, he's garenteed to wake up at at least 9:30. But if he does wake up he will take a shower, have some breakfast, and maybe even show up early. Just the thought of that would make Singh's mind explode.

Instead of waking up to beeping this morning, it was his alarm clock. He actually woke up on time, so he should get to work on time too. At least that's the hope.

He stood in the shower and let the warm water fall off his back. He has been so cold lately. His hands are always freezing, and his is constantly shivering. His soul is the coldest though. Everything about him feels cold.

After exiting the shower he put on a plain grey t-shirt, a black sweatshirt, a black pair of jeans, and his converse. He figures this would be good enough. It's not like he's going to court today or anything like that.

Walking through the crowds of people on the sidewalk is always a challenge. There are people bumping into you always, and there are several types of people who do that. One will say nothing and keep going, one with say sorry and keep going, then there is the mad type. That's the one who can go one of two ways. They can either say "watch it!" or they can get up all in your face. Lucky for Barry no one has done that today, but it's not like it has never happened before.

Another thing that people do in these crowds is they ignor _everything. _If someone was on the ground dying, almost no one would stop. If a person was asking for help, one one would help them.

And what he saw right now is perfect example of that.

There was a little girl off to the right all by herself. No one was standing by her, they even bumped into her. She didn't look homless like many other people in Central City. She has clean clothes, she has had a bath recently, and her blonde hair is done up all nice. She has on a light pink shirt, and dark blue jeans. They were cute little jeans too.

Barry made his way over to her and bent down.

" Are you lost, where's your mom?" He asked her.

She only looked to be about 3. She was really shy, but she shook her head.

" You don't know where your mommy is?" He asked.

She just looked down. Barry looked around once more and didn't see anyone looking around. He sighed and checked his phone. It was 9:15. He has enough time.

" My name is Barry, what is yours?" He asked

" Bella," She said quietly.

" Wow, that's a really pretty name, you must be a princess," Barry smile when the little girl giggled.

" How about we go find you mum?" Barry suggested.

Bella nodded and lifted her arms up.

Barry picked her up and put her on his hip.

He went into the closest store and went up to the front desk.

" Has any one reported a missing child?" He asked.

" No," the worker said coldly. Looks like they aren't having a good day. They could at least pretend like they care about your life.

He moved on to the next store and there was still nothing. He checked the whole line of stores and no one had a missing child. The time was now creeping up on 9:45 and he had to be at work. Since he worked at CCPD, he'll just have to take her there, that way they can track down her parents. They obviously weren't close to here.

Upon entering the precinct, he went straight to Singh's office. He had to wait until officer Wing left before he could enter.

" You're late Allen, by 8 days and 10 minutes." Singh grunted.

He looked at Barry funny. Why was he hold a toddler?

" Uh, I found this little girl on the side walk and she appeared to be lost. No one else was around her, so I figured I'd try and find her mom or whoever she was with. I checked in with all the stores on the line and none said that anyone reported a missing child. So I decided that I'd bring her here so we could find her parents." Barry said.

Singh thought about the excuse and rolled his eyes. Of course Barry tried to help someone else.

" Her name is Bella, but I never asked her last name," he said.

" Do you know your last name sweet heart?" Singh asked sweetly. Barry has never seen Captain Singh like this. He is usually tough and is bossing every one around, but right now he was like a soft kitten.

Bella shook her head to the question, and she nestled her face in Barry's neck and shoulder.

" She's pretty shy," Barry smiled.

" Go take her to Officer Williams, he is working on all lost children cases, so maybe there will be a connection." Singh ordered.

Barry nodded and brought Bella off to the right where Officer Williams' desk was.

" Singh told me to bring Bella here to you. She is missing her parents." He said trying to hand Bella off, but she wouldn't budge. She clung to him like he was her caretaker. She has really started to like him.

" I have to leave you will Officer Williams. He's a really nice guy, and if you ask I bet he'll give you a cookie from his desk," Barry winked at Bella. She smiled at the word cookie and she let him put her down. Williams glared at him, but Barry ignored it. Anything to help the scared little girl.

Now off to work. He took the elevator up to his lab and walked in.

" 'bout time Allen, you're late," Julian said in his stupid accent.

" Last time I checked, you weren't my boss," Barry said while rolling his eyes.

" Keep doing that and you might actually find a brain back there," Julian muttered.

" Y'know if I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laten, and you. I'd shoot you twice," Barry scowled while making his way to his own desk.

" You're comparing me to sick minded murder who killed millions of innocent people, find better comebacks Allen, then maybe we can be friends."

" Why can't we be?" Barry asked sitting down.

" Because I don't trust you. I don't like things I don't trust." Julian said while grabbing one of the lab tubes.

" I don't trust you either,"

" I don't care Allen, now I suggest you get to work, you have a weeks worth to get done," Julian directed.

Barry mocked Julian's facial expressions and got to work. He hated Julian. He is bossy, ignorant, and annoying. His accent got pretty annoying too.

Barry looked over his cluttered desk and sighed.

" What do you need Allen?" Julian asked not looking up from his own work.

" Would it hurt you to help with some of this, you're usually grabbing my cases left and right,"

" Why would I help you?"

" Never mind you're right, I'm pretty sure you'd burn if you did a nice gesture." Barry rolled his eyes while picking up one of the cases.

" Deapite your belief Mr. Allen, I'm not Satin," Julian looked up at Barry.

" Yeah, convince me," Barry laughed to himself.

" I have a life just like you do, and I plan on spending it helping people. That's exactly why I work here, and I'd be just fine if you weren't here."

Barry hates, hates, hates Julian with a passion. He's already having trouble with his life and Julian doesn't help. He needs to be The Flash. There is more metas being created and then there is Alchemy. He has to help but can't because of how stressful his life has been. Working with the devils' spawn doesn't help. He has so much work to do, he has a crappy lab partner, angry friends, a dead father, a non existent love life, and a new heart condition. His life sucks. He started to bounce his leg and tap his pencil on his papers. Only an hour has passed and he has gotten almost nothing done. He's never gonna catch up at this rate. How he has ever worked with a partner, he'll never know.

The clock seemed to tick slower, and everything kept taking more and more time to finish. Working was so boring. He started to get more and more anxious. Being kept in his own mind was a dangerous thing. Flash backs from flash point were constantly running around in his head.

_Now who's the villain Flash, who's the villain!_

_What's so funny?_

_ Your speed! The more you use it, the faster you lose your memory!_

_I need you to kill my mother!_

_With pleasure._

_It's okay you're safe._

_No,no,no,no._

_No one knows what I had to do, they don't know what I've been through. They don't understand! I begged him, I begged him to kill her. I can't believe I made Thawne kill my mom! I can't believe I messed it up! I messed everything up!_

Barry got up from his chair and went over to the sink. He grabbed a paper cup from under the sink and filled it with cold water. He took a long drink of it and braced himself against the sink.

This day wasn't good at all. He started to breathe faster and his chest started to ache.

He knew he shouldn't panic but every single dark though he'd ever had was hitting him like a sledge hammer.

He started to slowly pace his side of the lab with his hands on the back of his head.

" Allen, you're really distracting you know that? Sit." Julian barked while not even looking up.

_He can't even see me!!!_

Barry didn't listen to him, he didn't have to. He couldn't sit still. It's like his body had a mind if it's own or something.

" Allen!" Singh yelled swiftly walking in," Are you some with the Ferguson case yet, I needed it like yesterday,"

Shoot, he hasn't even looked at that one yet.

" No sir, I've been doing the other cases, and I-" he was cut off by more yelling.

" I need it _now_! I thought you could handle tough work, I guess I was wrong. Hand the case over to Albert, let him get it done," Singh scowled at Barry before he left. Now his boss was angry at him too. He can't do this when everybody hated him.

He needed to escape everything. Barry grabbed the untouched case from his desk and flopped it onto Julian's neat and color coded desk.

Barry then started swiftly towards the door.

" Where do you think you're going?" Julian questioned. Why does he need to know!? He's not the boss!

" To the bathroom, or am I not aloud to do that either?" Barry asked sarcastically while continuing to briskly walk out. He made it to the bathroom and he closed himself in a stall after making sure no one else was in there. He sat on the toilet seat and rubbed his now aching head. Every bad though came back and wrecked on him.

As a teenager he was depressed, even suicidal at some points. Some of those thoughts never left, and they were sure here now. He started to panic more. He can't go down that road again. It's like a hole that he got stuck in. He had no latter or rope. It was like one of those dreams where you're getting chased by zombies but you keep falling. Your knees buckle and they give up on you. You fall and get engolfed by misery and death. You are scared, and you wait to wake up. Except in real life you can't wake up. There is no do overs or retrys. You only have one shot, and if you mess it up, whatever, that's your fault. It's all his fault. He still hasn't faced Diggle, or Oliver. What will they think of him? What do regular people think of him?

Is he too thin, or maybe he is just ugly? Do they see what he has done in his eyes? Are they seeing his every feeling and spying on his life? Do they think stupid things about him? Do they hate him? Even though Barry knew the thoughts were irrational, he couldn't stop them from coming anyway.

He couldn't stay in the stall. It's like the walls were closing in on him.

Barry walked back to his lab and sat in his chair. His heart was pounding so hard it felt like it could pop out of his chest. His breathing felt erratic and he couldn't sit still. Blooming pain enfolfed his chest and he couldn't breathe. If felt like the air was squeezed out of him. He couldn't do it, he can't!

" Jeez mate, can you breathe any louder?" Julian growled at Barry.

Barry didn't answer him, he just threw a pencil at Julian.

Julian muttered something, but it didn't seem important to know what. Barry coughed and silently gasped. His chest was like a punching bag. Constant punches were sent to it in rapid fire. He couldn't do this, not right now. He need Cait, or someone. He needed anyone but Mr. England to be with him.

As if his prayers were granted, Caitlin walked through his lab doors.

" Oh hey Caitlin, why are you here?" Julian smiled with delight.

" Oh don't even," Barry thought to himself.

Caitlin looked over to Barry and saw this heavily rising chest and his hand on his heart. She knew he was hiding it from Julian. She had to get him to leave so she could tend to Barry.

" Oh, I needed a few things for a special lab I'm doing and I was wondering if you guys had them?" She asked making up an excuse.

" What is it?"

" Uh-I-Uh, need a few XS sized testing tubes for a tiny sample, I have seemed to run out." She blurted out.

" Sure, anything," Julian hurried up out of his chair and darted towards the door. " They are in the spare room way down the hall, I'll have to take a few minutes to find em," Julian smiled. When has he ever done that? Actually been nice? That is so not him.

" Sure," Caitlin smiled.

Once Julian was gone, Cait rushed towards Barry's side.

" What happened?" She asked desperately.

" I don't know," Barry groaned. He did, he just didn't want to explain. He was getting tired, and he just had to sit and breathe.

" You shouldn't be at work Barry, we talked about this," She groaned. Did he ever listen? The answer to that is no.

" C'mon, lets get you up," she said helping him to his unsteady feet.

They were almost to the door when Julian came back.

" Here you go, was there anything else you needed?" He asked handing Cait the tubes.

" No, thank you. But I do need to borrow Barry for a while," She said politely.

Julian tried to hide his disappointment.

" Sure thing,"

He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Caitlin needed Barry Allen, the cheeky and youngest, most inexperienced CSI to help her. He couldn't figure out what made people like Barry so much. Whatever it is, he definitely doesn't see it.

Barry sat in the front seat of Caits car and squeezed his knee with all his strength. He felt like he was going to pass out. His vision started to become consumed with stars, and his head wobbled. All the blood rushed to his ears letting him her nothing. He remembered seeing the parking lot to STAR Labs, then it all went black. The black part was peaceful. People think that the dark is scary and whatnot. But when your life is nothing but chaotic, a little peace and quiet isn't a bad thing. Having nothing is sometimes better than having something awful.

He awoke again to sounds of beeping, except this time it sound more weird. The heart monitor didn't sound right. His heart wasn't beating normally. He opened his eyes and was stunned to see that he was connected to more machines and tubes than last time. Cait has some explaining to do.

**This is a longer one to hopefully make up for the several days it took to write.**


	3. Try And Live

**Sooo sorry this chapter took so long to come up! I've been very sick lately and it sucks so much. But on the bright side it gives me better details about how to express sickness. I have a plan for a storyline, I'm just not sure on the ending. I can see it going either sad or happy. I guess I'll have to wait and see when the times comes, how to end it. I also haven't read what I have already wrote, so I'm having a tad bit of trouble remembering some things. Plus not too proud of this chapter**

" Barry, you keep pushing yourself. And now look what happened!" Cait barked angrily.

" I know, I just couldn't stay in my apartment any longer. I'm sorry,"

" You should be telling yourself sorry, Barry. Your heart is badly damaged. Just walking to the CCPD would've thrown the whole progress of your healing off, and now it has. Your heart is failing Barry." Cait sat down in defeat. She felt like she doesn't know how to help him anymore, like she lost her special touch.

" It's failing?"

" Barry, listen. I don't know everything about you and your body, so I can't say for certain that this will last forever, or," she paused," will end badly. But I do know that your metabolism has slowed gerastically, almost to a regular humans' and it's not good"

" How do we fix it?" Barry asked wiping a tear from his red eyes.

" I don't know if we can Barry. For average people, they have to get a heart transplant, but in your case, you'd need a speedster heart. I don't think anyone would be willing to give that up. Unless we take your speed away," Cait slowed down her words at the realization.

" No way Cait, I don't know who I am without it. There has to be another way," Barry begged.

" Barry, the only way I know to fix this is to get you a new heart. I can't do that if you have speed. The new heart would fail instantly, and you'd die. I'm not willing to let that happen." Cait said walking off to grab something. Barry wanted to yell at her and tell her to stop, but the words wouldn't come out. His brain was screaming, but his mouth couldn't move.

She came back with a gun looking thing.

" This will extract your speed and it will be held in this glass tube. It'll be fast, and over within seconds," Cait said holding up a cylinder.

Barry wiped more tears away. He didn't want to lose his speed. The Flash was who he was. But the more he thought about it, the more he thought not. He used his speed badly, then he messed everyone and everything up. Maybe getting rid of The Flash wouldn't be a bad thing after all.

The other thing he though of, was why Caitlin had the speed extracter on hand. Had they planned on taking his speed? Did they want that part of him gone? He tried to stop thinking about that and get back to the real problem on hand.

Barry nodded cautiously and Cait put the gun looking think on his neck.

Barry slightly flinched but closed his eyes.

" You ready?" She asked quietly.

He nodded and she pulled the trigger. It hurt, like someone was trying to rip his soul out. It felt like someone had stuck their hand down his throat and was ripping his heart out. Only a few more seconds of torture and the pain stopped.

" Finished," Cait said putting down the machine thing. Orange lightning could be seen flickering around in the tube. That little bolt of lightning gave him these amazing abilities. It was so small, but yet so big in his life. It seemed so small, almost like it was worth nothing.

He was worth nothing.

" Your vitals are already better. Having speed seemed to have the opposite effect on you than it should have." She whispered. She didn't know how to calm him down, tell him that everything will be alright. She lost every bit of courage she had to talk to him. She felt like she was that one kid in the class that knew everything. Algebra, Calculus, Physics, History, everything, then one day it's like a fog engolfed every ounce of knowledge that you had ecumulated over the years, and it all just gets lost. You forget how to multiply, you forget what time was like before you, you forget that you know how to solve equations, and you don't know how to get back the knowledge. She didn't know how to tell him that she still loves him, that he still has a life here. That maybe even if times here are dreppressing and he can't seem to breathe, she is here. He needs to know that she is here. Barry can't do this alone, he is slowly sinking into the deep hole he can't seem to stop digging. He just keeps digging without realizing he forgot to bring a latter. He is stuck and there is no way out, but there must always be a way. Caitlin knew there had to be a way for him. She just can't find the words. In her large and smart brain, she can't find the right words.

" So what do I do now? Do I just sit here and die, or what?" Barry gritted out.

" Barry, you're not going to die. I'm coming up with something what should help okay? If I start working now, it could be done by tomorrow morning." With those last words Caitlin left and went to her workshop.

It was only 2 pm and he was officially dying. His shoulders shook from the cold air. Was it cold, or was it just him? It must be him. He sat there and twiddled his thumbs. That eventually got super boring so he went through a whole episode of The Walking Dead that he has memorized. That took him about 20 minutes.

He was bored, so, so bored. Eventually he fell asleep at 5 and didn't wake up till 8 in the morning. Even though he had 16 hours of sleep, he was still hella tired. This whole dying thing wasn't very fun. It took up way more energy that he would have thought.

He awoke to find Caitlin in the glass room next door and she was typing madly on her computer. She seemed stressed. It made him feel worse knowing that she had no clue on what to do. Maybe this was a bigger version of karma. It had to be. When has a panic attack ever brought this on him? He has had hundreds in his life time, never before have they nearly killed him. The one time he does something terribly wrong, he nearly dies.

Caitlin came into the room with a small, silver square box looking thing. It had tubes coming out of it, very skinny. She walked over to him, ignoring the fact that he was awake. She check his vitals and brought over medical supplies. There were so many things, he was getting almost scared. Everything around him was overwhelming.

" I've made this device that I'll have to surgically put in. These tubes will deliver medicine to your heart at a constant drip, and that should keep your heart going. It's like oil to gears. Then this metal part should help keep it stimulated"

" Is it a permanent fix?" Barry asked. He hoped not, he didn't want that thing in his chest forever. He wanted life to go back to the way it had been.

" It might be, but I can't know for certain. Really, it will only give you more time. I'll have to start looking for a transplant heart. Even then, you wouldn't be able to have your speed back," She frowned. She hates to give him bad news. He looks so sad that it breaks her heart. One day he is healthy, the next he is stuck in a bed with heart failure.

Barry only replied with a nod.

" I know this sucks Barry. At least with this thing you can work and live your life pretty normally while I get you a heart. Now it won't last forever, but I think it will really help."

" When are you gonna put it in?" Barry asked nervously.

" I can right now, but you'll have to be under anesthesia. And don't worry, no one is coming until tomorrow evening." Cait reassured not only him but herself.

" So how exactly does this work?" Barry stalled.

" Well the small box will stay on the outside of your skin and go to the right of your heart. The tubes will connect to the heart and pump meds. I know it sounds like a really big operation, but it's really not," Cait smiled at Barry and put her hand on his shoulder.

" It'll all be okay Barry,"

" I know, lets just get it over with," Barry tried to smile.

" Okay," Cait whispered. She grabbed a mask and put it over his face. He look two large breaths and started to feel tired. His eyes drifted shut and his breathing stopped. Caitlin hurried and intubated him so he could breath, then she got to work.

Finally Barry had peace. The darkness was a haven, no one judged you here, or hurt you. It was just simply amazing. He had a dream. His mother and father were sitting on their porch laughing. The sun was heating the whole place up, making it bright. The pleasant scene was interrupted by a blue flash of lightning. It looked like a speedster, but with blue lightning trailing behind. The thing came up to his mother in a clad of armor and stabbed her in the heart. He could almost feel the long blade slice through her skin. His father was left to cry and hold his dead wife. Then it all went black again.

It only took 3 hours from the first cut, to the last stitch to finish. Caitlin took a deep breathe and sat down. She wasn't used to doing procedures like that. Good thing his vitals were steady for the most part. She wouldn't have known what to do if Barry had flatlined or anything. She couldn't be the one to kill Barry. Out of eveything that he had been put up against, this shouldn't be the thing to make him go down.

Barry could feel a little pain in his chest, but didn't think much of it. Darkness engolfed him like a warm pillow. After a few minutes he realized that he wasn't breathing, but he was fine. Very weird sensation at first. His eyes popped open and he started to choke on the tube in his throat. His heart monitor started to beep ravenously.

Cait ran over to him and tried to calm him down.

" Barry calm down, let the breathing tube do it's job." She said while rubbing his hair.

Barry squeezed his watering eyes shut and stopped trying to struggle against the tube. It felt like he couldn't breathe, but he knew it was all an illusion. He was fine.

_I'm fine_

His heart slowed and Cait started to take the tube out. Barry gaged and coughed once it was pulled out. His throat was on fire. Caitlin grabbed him some water and made him drink it. That was the best thing he had ever tasted. The back of his throat felt like a cracked desert plain. The water soothed it as it slowly made its way down his throat over and over again.

He got checkd over by Caitlin and to his surprise she sat down next to him. This was the most intamate he has been with someone for weeks.

" I know we all agreed that we didn't want to know what our previous lives were like, but I want to know. Is anything different about me?"

Barry shook his head.

" Out of everyone, you were probably the least effected, if you are at all." Barry smiled. He didn't know what else to say. She was, Caitlin. Caitlin never changed.

Relief that Barry didn't see swept off Cait's face. She has been feeling different lately, almost cold. She couldn't put her finger on it though.

" When can I go home?" Barry asked shifting in the bed.

" I wouldn't like for you to go until next week if it were up to me. Last time I let you go home you didn't take it well."

Barry couldn't argue that.

" If I stay here, everyone will find out though," Barry wined like a child. A surprising cute child.

" They don't have to know the full extent. I can just say there was some strange vitals after a run and I wanted to check it out."

" Yeah, okay." Barry said while laying back down. He was exhausted. He fell back asleep and slept until the middle of the night. He woke up to the cortex dark and nearly silent. His heart monitor was quietly tracking his heart rate, leaving a quiet beep every second. His mind felt almost blank. He finally wasn't thinking about flashpoint or even who had been effected by it. Instead of the scary and depressed memories he'd been previously thinking about, he tried to think about the good ones. Him and Iris laughing at the stupidest things, family dinners all together, The Flash saving the day.

He has so many good memories, but sometimes they just couldn't outweigh the bad ones. He spend the rest of the night and early morning just thinking. He has had a lot on his mind. It felt good to thing all the different problems through. By morning, he was exhausted again.

He didn't want to sleep though, he felt like he missed too much when he sleeped.

Although the lack of sleep caught up to him he slept for a while. Much of the day was spend being asleep, or binge watching Netflix.

Later on he realized that today is the day team flash comes in and talks about a new case. It was first brought up a couple days ago, but Diggle and Oliver told them about it over the phone. Something to do with aliens or whatever. Barry hasn't been able to focas on a lot of that stuff lately. It's like his mind has been glazed over and all the important stuff has been tucked under a temporary blanket. One which has yet to have been lifted.

Before anyone showed up, Barry made sure to change into a STAR Labs sweatshirt. Caitlin gave him a heart monitor that could just clip to his pants so no wires were showing. He wasn't allowed to really walk around and do much. But what would be do anyway? Dance like Mary freaking Popins?

He decided the best thing to do was sit on the stool and nod to what the team said. He'd keep his mouth mostly shut and not interrupt what everyone said.

While thinking to himself, he could barely hear the first person walk in. It was Joe. Joe looked anywhere but at Barry, making him look kinda awkward. Next was Cisco, Iris, Wally, Oliver, then Diggle. No one wanted to talk first so Dig started the case out by popping up a picture of what looked like a space ship.

" This landed about 20 miles away about 3 days ago. ARGUS has been looking into these occurrences, but this time it's more differen't. What we call the Invaters, little alien people, have been trying to make contact. But since the whole experience all we've only gotten small snit bits of weird sounds. Recently, we haven't gotten peace notions, more like let's fight. So we thought that maybe Team Flash could help us out and stop the Invaters before they, well, Invade."

Diggle looked at Barry, asking.

Barry didn't know what to say. He doesn't even have his speed anymore. But of course no one knew that.

" Look," he started out slowly," I don't think that I can-" before he could finish Cisco budded in.

" See, Barry here hasn't been that helpful lately. He decided that he'd take in upon himself and change the timeline so that he could save his own family, while he left mine to rot. Oh and did I mention that you had a daughter?" Cisco laughed coldly while pointing to Diggle.

" And that he ruined Joe and Iris' relationship, he killed by brother, and god knows what else he has done. He can't be trusted, this man won't help you, me, or anyone because he is selfish!" Cisco yelled before leaving the cortex.

Diggle looked stunned. He looked like he lost the one most important thing to him, and maybe he has.

" You erased a daughter from my life! Where in your right mind would you ever think that that's okay?!" Diggle was so mad that he too left the room before he beat the brains out of Barry.

Could they ever get a full conversation in before someone yelled at him? Apparently not. Everyone else quietly left except for Oliver. He just stood there, thinking.

After a few minutes he broke the silence.

" Would you like to tell me your side of this jumbled story?" Oliver asked calmly.

" What's the point?"

" C'mon just tell me what happened." This was weird to Barry. Oliver Queen was asking him about his feelings. Kinda made him want to laugh. If it wasn't for the context of the situation he would've.

" Well where do I start," he sighed." Um, well my dad died and I was sitting on the steps of Joe's house and I just couldn't take the thought of my parents being dead any longer. So I ended up stopping the Reverse flash from killing my mom. That created a new timeline called flashpoint. There, everything is different. I had my parents, Caitlin had a job and a family, Wally had powers and was The Flash so I didn't have to be, Cisco was a billionaire Iris was happy, and Joe. Well Joe could do better, but everyone was happy, I was happy."

" So they what made you come back?" Oliver asked, confused.

Barry sighed and kept going.

" I started to forget things. I'd be thinking about a memory or a person and it'd just leave my mind. Gone. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it back. I was being so ignorant, Thawne told me that the more I used my speed, the more I'd lose who I was. I'd forget that I was The Flash, and I'd be stuck there. I realized that what I had done was wrong, and, and stupid. I can't believe I did his done!" Barry was getting really upset now. Tears were making their way down his red face.

" I had to beg him, Oliver! I had to beg Thawne to kill her... Then to make things worse, everybody changed! I messed it all up!" Barry tangent stopped and he slumped in on himself. His face was soaked in tears and his breathing was ridged.

Oliver did something he rarely ever did. He came closer to Barry and hugged the broken man. He hushed and calmed Barry down. It took a while, but soon the flow of tears stopped.

" I'm sorry," Barry said more sternly while wiping his face.

" I don't blame you,"

" What!?" This shocked him. Out of all of the people who are mad and disappointed, how could Oliver not be?

" Any person who was in your situation would have done the same thing."

Barry thought about it. Oliver was probably right, but that still didn't get rid of he fact that he still did it.

" We just have to get the others to believe that too," Oliver smiled slowly and softly.

**I know this chapter sucks, but any suggestions you guys have will really help to not make it suck. I haven't written in forever, so I kinda forgot where I was going.**


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